mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
