Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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