Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
