is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
