He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
