apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
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Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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