Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Welp...herpes.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
