I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
