Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
