Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
