Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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