I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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