So drunk its hurt
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
