NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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