u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize