I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
