I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
