Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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