Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
