Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
