I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
