I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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