I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
