Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
