It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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