Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
