the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
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His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
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Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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