Capitaan dildo arrescate!
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
