Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
