why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
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So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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