I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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