I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
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Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
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My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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