When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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