my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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