I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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