i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
