Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
