she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
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Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
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She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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