Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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