Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
