I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
