Already got asked if we're dating
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
