I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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