saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
