I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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