Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
