i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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