Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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