it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
