if you like me you must not know who I am
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
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in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
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I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
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