If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
