Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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