I accidentally burped into my bong.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
