Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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