I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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